Overload

            I’ve probably written this a 100 times and just haven’t posted it.  I’m not sure why, but now I’ve come to a breaking point and I need to get my feelings out.   I need to vent and I need to have my say. 

            First off I’m going to use no names.  It’s not necessary.  Anyone who has any idea of this situation will know who and what I am talking about.  Secondly you don’t have to keep reading.  If you don’t want to read this then just close the window now.  I have already said that this is not a vendetta against anyone and I’m not FORCING anyone to read this….. From this point on YOU are making the choice to continue reading. 

            It has been a very rough summer.  Lots of ups and down.  Visitation was achieved and trust was established, and civil conversation even happened from time to time.  I thought we were finally getting to a point where we could we could build some kind of routine.  Then it all went to shit.

            Labour Day long weekend 2012:  First sleepover, successful with no issues, awesome.  Then, two days later, another successful visit and even some civil conversation.  Things were looking good.  There was even some contact with someone who was involved accidently in the beginning of this mess.  The contact went well and they decided to pull back.  It felt like some kind of level of “normal”, like somehow life was going to continue to improve.

           

       So what happened?? First day of school, night time, the text messages start, he’s   desperate to see the boys to say “good bye”.  He said he was leaving and never returning.  Why?  “Done with this place.” And “depressed’ where the two reasons.  That’s strange he didn’t seem depressed two days ago when the kids were there.  Then the picture came.  It was not good.  It didn’t leave a lot to the imagination.  It was obvious what he did but I pushed and asked anyway.  The response was, “Box cutter” to both wrists after taking a “handful of pills”.  Out of depression?  Where was he, or rather where should he have been?  Well he should have been at the hospital being monitored and medicated and taken care of.  Instead he was released and stayed at friends.  Clearly he was still unstable when talking to me.  He was unreasonable and agitated.  So why was he released?  Good question.  One I haven’t been able to get an answer yet. 

            Two days later I saw him face to face.  I was scared, worried and angry.  I expected to see a broken man who had good reasons and was being taken care of by someone and told to get help and go on some kind of medication.  What I saw was disturbing.  He and his girlfriend were laughing and giggling like there was nothing wrong, like it was some kind of joke, and something that people do as a regular thing.  8 stitches is not “nothing”, and it’s not something to laugh about.  It’s not even something to ignore or push off like it doesn’t matter.  It was a cry for help, a BIG one.  Where were the people to help?  Well his sister came to his rescue and offered to move in with him and “babysit” him.  I believe I have mentioned her before.  She was part of the reason I left him in the beginning.  She had her own suicidal issues.  She took a bottle of pills and was in and out of hospitals for weeks.  She lost custody of her child because of her instability.  Now they live together.  It’s a recipe for disaster…a powder keg, waiting to go off.

            So anyway, he shows me the pictures of his cuts.  Yes, he took pictures of them.  Is he proud of what he did?  Is he proud of the fact that he is mentally unstable?  So what should have happened next?  What did he tell me was going to happen next?  Answer: “Medication and counselling”.  He was going to get help for his depression and go back on medication.  I should have known it wasn’t going to happen.  Instead he set off on a two week VACATION!!!  VACATION!  REALLY?  So how exactly do you get any help…on VACATION?  How are you being monitored…ON VACATION?  By your girlfriend who obviously didn’t see how serious this is.  So while he was off having a good time I was left here angry, confused and with two upset kids.  For two weeks we had no communication.  During this time I went to counselling to talk about how I was affected and how I felt about everything.  I also got the kids talking.  Yet, he did nothing, at least nothing to help himself.

            So he gets home, I don’t even know when because he made no attempt at contacting me.  No request for access to the kids, nothing…at all.

            Here’s what he thought was a better idea…

            He went into a High School and asked to have his son dismissed for an appointment, only there was no “appointment”.  He lied AGAIN! The school asked if the son in question knew about the appointment which of course he did not.  The school then called me to confirm the “appointment” because they knew of the instability and the situation.  I confirmed that there was no appointment and that he should not be dismissed from school.  By the time I reached the school he was gone.  The school was very upset.  Lying to have a child excused from class is frowned upon, to put it mildly.  This is how kidnappings take place.  Schools aren’t dumb.

            So the High School contacted the other sons High school to let them know there was a problem.  Then the police were called.  Another police report was filed.  He is so lucky they didn’t charge him with attempted abduction.  So of course now that the police are involved a report goes to FACS and now they have become involved once again.  LOVELY!  I saw him and his sister drive by a couple of times while I was at the police station.  They were at the courthouse.  Getting divorce papers I assume.  Good, can’t wait to have this settled.  The police officer said he would explain that it would be in his best interest to leave the kids alone until FACS made a determination of the situation and that the matter may have to go to court.  That night BOTH boys sat down and wrote their father messages on Facebook.

Some quotes from son #1:

            “After everything you have done, you being dumb and trying to kill yourself, I have no interest in staying with you.”

                “…now I don’t want to see you.  Because of you”

                “ … you trying to take me, good job dad, you just made it that we will not see each other for a very, very long time.  Good job.  You did this to yourself and if you don’t get some help I’m not going to see you until you do.”

A quote from son #2:

                “I heard about what you did today and I’ve decided that I don't want to see you or talk to you until you attempt to fix what you've done”

                These are just a few quotes from the messages they sent.  I had NO hand in writing them, they were on their own for that but they both wanted to message him.  It had to come from them that they don’t want to see him right now.  So that should have worked right?  Nope.

                He got impatient and called FACS forcing them to call him back.  The FACS worker called me first and made arrangements to meet.  She advised me that she would tell him to stay away from the kids until she had a chance to meet with me and the kids as well as meet with him.  So now he’s had the police and FACS tell him to back off.

                The weekend was peaceful.  On Saturday we took the kids out of town to have a family day.  It was a nice weekend and wished it didn’t have to end?

                

 Monday came and what was his next move?  Go to the other High School of course.  He said he was only there to get information about his access.  However when leaving the school he saw his son crossing the street and decided to try and say hi. Apparently being told to stay away from the kids fell on deaf ears, and this confrontation did not go well at all.   Son #2 told him,  “you‘re not supposed to be here, I don’t want you here.  Get the hell away from me.”  Son #2 then went to the office where it took the staff a good 10 minutes to calm him down.  He decided to stay at school the rest of the day but he now feels unsafe there.  Also, from this situation and confrontations, son #2 seems to be developing anxiety issues and a possible ulcer. 

                So now what? We wait!  He’s apparently refusing to get help or take medication.  After my meeting with FACS I’m told I‘m doing the right thing.  I’m protecting my children.  I was told not to worry, and she would talk to him and tell him how he would be able to see his kids again. 

Her requests were simple:

Get medicated

Get counselling

Get HELP!

Remain stable for a period of months

                He says he doesn’t need anything, he’s perfectly fine.  I’m apparently the crazy one.  Me?!  The man attempted to kill himself, took pictures and is proud of it.  Obviously it was a way to get attention and I guess it worked, he got attention all right.  But he seems to have lost his children in the mix.

                Now he’s living with his sister who also has/had a history of mental illness.  She’s been in the car with him on BOTH trips to both high schools in his attempt to see the boys after being told to stay away.  She said she was staying out of it and yet she seems to be the one fueling the fire. Even going as far as creating alias facebook accounts to message us to tell us to a) stay out of it.  b) leave her out of it while getting into it herself and putting herself in it!  WHY?

                So now we wait.  Wait for the next eruption.  Wait for his next move.  Hope he doesn’t hurt anyone, including himself.  Please do not misunderstand me….I am not trying to keep the kids from him, I don’t want to see him in jail or even locked in a hospital….I...the kids...and yes, even my boyfriend.... just want him to get help.  Just get help and then he can see his kids again.

                If you’re a friend of his and you’re reading this PLEASE help him.  Be a friend.  He’s been lying to all of you.  He’s been lying about his depression, his anger, and his suicidal tendencies.  He’s been depressed for a long time but he’s a good actor and can make you believe that he’s fine.  Please someone see through his bullshit and see that he needs someone who is willing to get him the help he needs.  I hope he does.

Deadbeat!!

I'm posting this here because not everyone wants to hear this.  Although I think that all the people judging me should take a good look at what I have to say and then sit back and take a good look at what you have already been lead to believe.  Let's start at the beginning and see how far we get.

First off I am not STEALING, TAKING, ROBBING or BLEEDING Rob dry.  Robert has a responsibility as a father to pay support for his children.  So that his children have food, clothing and a roof over their heads.  Well, the truth of it is he hasn't been paying his support.  Over a year ago Rob entered into an agreement with me in which he would pay me spousal support so that I could get on my feet, get my own apartment and figure out how to move on with my life.  Well that lasted for a total of 4 months!!  Way to go Rob!!  So what happened?  Rob cut me off.  Told me he didn't want to pay me anything and he didn't want to talk about it.  His response was "take me to court".  So I did!!  To date Rob owes me over $8000!  At $10,000 he could go to jail for 30 days.  So what am I supposed to do?  Beg Rob for money?  Tell the police not to arrest him?  Or sit and wait for the day Rob looses HALF his pay cheque?  Well since I don't want to talk to him and I'm afraid to be anywhere near him, I think I'll sit back and wait.  Which really sucks because I have rent to pay and no way to pay it!

So this lead to several conversations with several friends about deadbeat dads and how they manage to get away with it.  I have given the government everything they need to take the money from Rob and give it to me.  I don't want to sound greedy or bitchy but we need that money too.  School is coming and I have no money to buy the kids any school supplies or back to school clothes.  What am I supposed to do?  Am I sorry that this has come to where it is?  Yes.  However, I'm sick of feeling sorry for Rob and letting everyone believe I'm the bad one!  He made his share of mistakes(but those are for an entirely different blog), yet he won't admit anything.  Not even to himself.  He now has himself believing he's the victim!!  Seriously?  There are always two sides to every story and I can say for sure that no one has asked for mine.

So on the topic of deadbeat dads, child support and money here's the bottom line.  Rob owes me nearly $10,000 in back support payments.  He tried to buy me off with a $300 WalMart gift card!!  Not a legit support payment.  Over the last 8 months I have received a total of $900!  I have had custody of the kids since March and he doesn't seem to care what they need. In fact, Rob is more interested in lying to the kids.  Again, something better left to another blog.  Bottom line is I'm not trying to take his money, I'm asking for what he agreed to, in writing.  I'm asking him to live up to his obligations as a father.  Forget who did what to who and why for right now and just grow up and take care of your kids financially!  Be a man for God's sake.   For those of you who think I'm "keeping" the kids from him or "brainwashing" them, I'm not.  They are welcome to visit with their father, truth is though they don't want to.  They are tired of being lied to and tired of being made to feel guilty.  They haven't seen him in over a month, but not because I haven't tried.  Three times I have tried so set up arrangements with Rob and all three times Rob chose to play games with the kids until the kids BOTH decided they didn't want to go.  Be a man and tell the kids the truth!  Stop playing games with them.  They want to spend time with their father, just tell them what they are going to be doing.  Aah, but as I said, this is an entirely different blog.

My point today is to tell it like it is.  Rob is a man who needs to pay his child support and is choosing not to.  He has chosen that path for months.  Its time he grew a set and became a responsible man.  How else will his children learn?  Well, I guess they will learn, and they are.....just not from him!!

One more thing I should like to add!!!  The only reason I'm not out working myself right now is because I'm in school full time and I'm not allowed to work, even part time, as per a contract I signed with the Ontario Government.  Otherwise I would be working.

Tired of the lies!

I decided to start this blog for many reasons.  One to perhaps help my own healing and recover from the last year or more.  But the main reason for this blog is to tell the TRUTH!!  My side of the story.  The story no one has asked about, that no one has wanted to listen to.  Well I'm tired of being pegged as the "bad one".  Its's time that I spoke out and told the truth.

I plan on doing several blogs in order of how events happened and what was said.  I will not lie here but i also will not hold back.  If you are not interested in the truth or my side of the story then stop reading and don't look at anything else.  I'm not going to make this public on Facebook because I don't believe that Facebook is the right place for this kind information.

Why Did My Marriage Fail? My Side Of The Story

Well this is probably the biggest question that hasn't been answered yet.

Why is that?  A: Nobody ever asked me.

They made their assumptions, defriended me, belittled and ridiculed me, judged me and slammed doors in my face.  Most don't even have the slightest idea as to why.  So how about we address that?

Let's address the obvious.  Yes, I left Rob.  Yes, I finally left him after many failed attempts. Yes, I cheated on him, but that doesn’t answer WHY I cheated on him, or WHY I left. 

The reason I left Rob was because of ROB!!  Not because of Chris!! In my own mind I had left Rob months before I physically left.  Simply put Rob stopped caring.  Rob stopped paying attention to me a long time ago, long before I even had thoughts of leaving and long before any relationship with Chris. For years I, like millions of other women, believed he would change.  It was just a phase, medication, depression, surgery, illness....always an excuse.  The truth was he was just gone.  There was almost no physical relationship left, at least not unless I begged or guilted him. There was hardly any conversation and for the longest time Rob just sat around doing nothing.  Well, not nothing, there was always the iPad, iPhone, or computer attached to him at any given part of the day.  Even in the last months of our relationship he would sit on "his" side of the couch playing on a device of some kind while I sat at the other end of the couch.  Rarely did he physically make an attempt at any form of physical contact.  When I did, if we were watching a movie and wanted to "cuddle", he would still have the device in his hand and be playing.  If I did finally get him to put it down he would lay his hand on my back or shoulder and just keep it there.  Not really cuddly and very much like Sheldon Cooper with his hand on my shoulder and a cold "There, there."

From the day we got married I knew that Rob was different.  I knew that he was always very quiet, shy and closed off.  What I didn't know was he had an anger issue.  Here lies the problem.  Rob would have night terrors.  The first one was not long after we were married, just before we moved to Ontario.  I woke up to Rob trying to strangle me, yelling at me, calling me "mom".  He was having a dream about his mother and acting it out on me.  Well I assumed it was a fluke and not something to worry about.  It didn't happen on a nightly basis.  Sometimes months would go by and he wouldn't have an issue, but then something would happen and I would wake up to him hitting me, choking me, yelling and threatening.  I confronted him about it and he said he didn't know anything about it.  We let it go, again!  Rob also started sleepwalking.  Years ago when we lived in a house we rented, Rob would get up in the middle of the night, turn on all the lights, sit on the couch and yell at the TV like it was on, but he never turned the TV on.  He would then get up, go back to bed, leaving every light on and peacefully go back to sleep.  So his night terrors shifted into sleepwalking.  It was very weird. The sleepwalking didn't last long though, but then the night terrors came back.

I'm not 100% sure when the physical abuse got worse but I'm pretty sure it started before we moved into the apartment, so we were still living in the rental house.  Things started to escalate again.  I would wake up to flying fists of fury and screaming rants. It's amazing the kids never heard.  When he was done hitting me and yelling at me he would lie down, roll over and start snoring.  I would be left sitting there in tears and usually in pain.  I again told Rob and he again didn't recall his nights activity.  Looking back you can usually pair his rants with something in our lives whether it was family, money, and health issues whatever.  There seemed to be something to set it off.  

What it stemmed from was his inability to deal with any form of emotion in the hours he was awake day to day.  If he had a bad day at work, I woke up with a bruise on my face.  If he had a fight with his mom I woke up to being strangled.  Simple day to day emotional frustrations, whether big or small, could set off an hour of pain for me at night.  Bottom line was Rob was/is incapable of dealing with his anger and it manifested itself at night and I took the brunt of it. 

I was out of work and injured.  I was doing sewing projects for friends to try and make a little money.  This is when I reconnected with Chris and his family. Rob was working at Canada Post, still only part time, but putting in as many hours as he could so we could buy our own place.  During these two years, Rob underwent major surgery for a stricture urethra.  Yes it's as disgusting as it sounds.  He was off work for months.  He was also medicated for quite some time.  We were getting along ok but just "getting along".  There was no spark left in the relationship.  We started spending a lot of time with Chris and his family.  We would get together and play cards or watch movies, star wars events, whatever...  Our two families became quite close.  I confided in Chris the problems I was having with Rob and he confided in me his issues with his wife.  We basically turned to each other for help because neither of our partners understood our personal issues.  

Thanks to a Government tax credit and 10 years back pay we were finally able to afford the down payment and buy a house, after spending the past two years in an apartment trying to save the money ourselves.  Our relationship was already in a bad place but we bought our house anyway.  Stupid!  We moved in, and things got worse.  Rob would go to work for 5-6 hours maybe and then come home and sleep all afternoon.  He would get home at 12 maybe 1 and sleep till I quite literally had to scream and fight to get him out of bed around 5-6. 

I got so sick of the fighting, sick of being ignored, and sick of not being touched; tired of taking the physical abuse at night, because he couldn't deal with his anger during the day.  I tried to talk to him, tried to get him to get help but always failed.  He would look at me some days and say "I hit you again last night didn't I?" and I would nod.  Yet he still did NOTHING! 

The final moments for me came in November 2011.  Rob and I had gone to a movie and on the way home he drove through Niagara on the Lake from The Falls.  We stopped near the lake and he told me he was feeling depressed and thought maybe he should go to the hospital.  When I asked how depressed he was, his reply was "I thought about driving my car into a tree."  Well of course, I panicked and wanted him to go to the hospital right away but he said it was so late in the evening we would just end up waiting in ER all night.  So I let him talk me into going home.  The next morning he refused to go.  I did get him to our family Doctor though, who prescribed him antidepressants and mood stabilizers.  I was now terrified of him.  He was totally unpredictable.  The night beatings became too regular.  I was afraid to leave and afraid to stay.  Couldn't leave at Christmas and where was I going to go?   

After Christmas, Rob decided to "make it up" to me by taking me to New York City.  We drove to NY and had a nice couple of days.  Long before any physical relationship with Chris I asked Rob, "If I had an affair, would you be upset?"  Rob's answer was "Yes, but I wouldn't blame you."  He admitted to not being interested in sex anymore and that our relationship was in trouble.  Unfortunately, nothing was really resolved and we went home.  Nothing changed, in fact, it got worse.

In March Rob's sister became mentally unstable and ended up in the hospital.  Having our niece living with us only intensified our fighting.  I didn't want to be the one going to hospitals, or changing sheets because our niece was wetting the bed.  He would sit in front of the TV and play on the iPad while I drove his sister to Hamilton to be admitted to the psyche ward!!  Where was he?  He is her brother and he was never there.  I was!  Well, I was going insane.  I had an extra kid I didn't want and was causing havoc with my own kids.  By the third month I thought I was going to die. 

During this time Chris and I had a falling out of sorts. There were some things that happened in Chris's personal life that lead him to feel abandoned by his "friends" to the point that even Chris and I were not talking.  That was hard because now there was no one to turn to.  Rob dove into the world of comicons and conventions.  I had found full time employment by this time, and Rob was off to where ever, every weekend.  Emotionally and physically I was done! After years of trying to fix it, after seeking counselling for myself, and after begging Rob to go with me and being denied.  Even though I couldn't physically leave the relationship because I didn't have anywhere to go, I knew in my mind and my heart at that point that the marriage was over because Rob had already emotionally and physically left me years ago. I was now hoping to physically leave Rob as soon as I found the courage.

For the first time I realized what I really wanted and I had lost it.  I missed Chris and I wanted him back in my life. I realized everything I was wishing for with Rob was standing right in front of me. I had someone who would listen to me, someone who cared about my feelings and what was going on in my life, someone who gave me the emotional support I so desperately needed.  I realized I was in love with Chris and our emotional relationship became a physical one.  I went and stayed with a friend for a few days and then I stayed with Chris for a few.  There were so many things that happened then.  The entire month of June was a blur!  It became a revolving circle of leaving Rob and going back, because I was too scared to tell Rob the truth.  Escalating to the involvement of people who had no business being involved, like the 3 guys going to Chris's to get my things while he was out and leaving him with the impression I was “taken” from him.  I don't think I have ever been more of a mess my entire life.  I knew what I wanted I just didn't know how to get it.  I was too SCARED!!!!

Why scared you ask?  Well let’s see...Rob hit me. His friends weren't at all supportive towards me and my emotional and physical needs.  One telling me how Chris would use me and throw me away, and that I would only be a “rebound”.  Another who chose to yell at me and put Chris down, insult him and belittle him behind his back.  So I needed to find that final straw.  And I finally found it.

After finally finding the courage to tell Rob the truth about the relationship I had with Chris, my worst fear became a reality for the last time.  On June 30, 2012 Rob beat me and bad!  His friends and family said I had deserved it because I cheated on him.   No woman should ever be beaten for any reason....EVER!  On July 1 after putting my son on a plane to Vancouver so he wouldn't kill himself because of the situation with my sister in law and niece, I told Rob I was leaving.  Only this time I was going to Gillian's Place.  He was a little surprised but showed no remorse for what he had done.  That afternoon I packed my things and checked into Gillian's Place for 13 days.  

When I got to the shelter, they wanted to take pictures of my bruises and call the police to have Rob charged with assault.  I was so afraid of what would happen to the kids if Rob was arrested, I couldn’t take them and they weren’t going to FACS, so I said no to having him charged.  Stupid!  After 13 days of therapy, talking and healing I left Gillian's Place and I moved in with Chris.  That's where I stayed.  I had only been there 2 weeks when I got sick and was admitted to the hospital for a bleeding ulcer from the immense amount of stress I was under.  Chris was there every night after work to sit with me.  

So when it comes down to it, I left Rob to save myself.  I never charged him, never sent the police to his house for hitting me.  He came to see me at the hospital and we were "friends" for a time.  But all the while he was telling people a different story; the story of how his wife cheated on him and left him for another man.  How I was the bad one, the one who had lied and ruined the relationship.  Well seems to me that the relationship was destroyed long before this. 

I left Rob because….

•          Our physical relationship was almost non-existent.
•         There was no emotional relationship to speak of.
•          He didn’t care about me or my feelings.
•          He was never there when I needed him.
•          All he cared about was himself
•          He refused to get help.
•          Above all…he was a wife beater!